Right now, the Little Miss is distracted, as she is trying to stuff as many Christmas ornaments as possible into as many of her boots as possible, so I have a few moments to say: yes, I've been absent from my role of INTERNET WISDOM DISPENSER for some time now. I apologize. I am a Bad Internetter.
Still, there are reasons.
1. We gots married. Although I think I told y'all that one already. Only now it's offishul as we have Super Power Action Rings that were made out of alien bonedust and strange metals from radioactive meteors, granting us the ability to change our respective shapes into whichever form might best be required for our action-packed peril-fraught lives: "Form of: a diaper! Shape of: a wet wipe! Look out, Naked Baby, here we come!"
Rings are fun.
2. Beano got a facelift. Basically what happened was that we packed all of our cafe into a space that was about four feet by four feet, then served coffee out of it while crackheads dismantled the rest of the cafe with hammers and wheelbarrows and pneumatic drills. This lasted for about three weeks, which caused no small amount of dementia on our part, having to fit into the tiny space and serve people who'd look around and ask where the bathrooms were and why we weren't serving food - and I'm not lying about the crackheads, although they seemed to do more damage to themselves than they did to us. Also the fire department was called out at one point due to a cheesy smell eminating from the storm drain outside, where we may or may not have been dumping all of our excess water and gross milk during the warmest part of the summer. I admit nothing.
3. InFamous: okay, so you're stuck in the downtown core of The City, which has been quarantined by The Government due to some strange 'plague' that the TV's keep talking about, so it's pretty much a no-man's-land of ganags and violence and such, except you've also suffered a weird accident that's granted you the power to channel electricity and shock people and make lightning come out of your hands so you can decide whether or not it's best to save a bunch of people from the evil gangs that control the city or maybe it's best to just electrocute EVERYONE so that you can keep all the emergency supply drops for yourself and it's like being a superhero in Grand Theft Auto.
GAWD, this game is so fun.
4. Batman: Arkham Asylum: okay, basically you get to be Batman, so as cool as InFamous might be, THIS IS A GAME WHERE YOU ACTUALLY GET TO BE BATMAN.
So, y'know, you decide.
5. Fallout 3: Game Of The Year Edition: yes, I know I've already played the original version of this game, which essentially takes about six months for you to choose a name for your character, and really takes your entire lifetime in order for you to finish the storyline. This version, though, has aliens and radioactive hillbillies. I had no choice.
6. We went to Vancouver for about a week and I got to introduce my wife to the giant wall known as The Janzens. Or The Havilands. Or The Janzen/Havilands. Either way: I am probably the shortest of all the Janzen/Haviland males, so you can imagine how intimidating a Thanksgiving dinner with the majority of my uncles and cousins might seem.
To her credit, my wife showed no fear. To their credit, my uncles did not eat her (because, y'know, that's what giants do, right?)
7. Here is the big one: I am actually writing a book.
Not just pithy internet musings, or bitter rants about general assholishness of the world, but an honest-to-goodness, Real Life Novel. Josh Barsky (he of The Straw fame and other such literary affectations) has been standing over me with a lead pipe, beating me senseless every time he sees me without a pen in my hand scribbling furiosly into a notebook, and he's giving me a deadline, which I'm pretty sure I'm gonna be late for (March 1st, 2010), but the fact of the matter is that it's actually happening and I am being a Writer and ohmigod this is equal parts fun and exhausting.
Before any of you ask: it's about earthquakes and superviruses and nuclear war and massive floods, and, yes, it's about zombies, but it's also about trying to open a can of beans without using a can opener. So there. Hopefully this doesn't bomb.
Now I must go and fish tiny glass ornaments out of my daughter's nose, as apparently she feels that they fit better in there than in her boots. God forbid we actually hang them up on a tree or something. Merry something-or-other and a Happy mumble-mumble-mumble.
No comments:
Post a Comment