Walking With Hazel: Jeez, When Was The Last Time We Went For An Actual Walk?

So, today started out kinda slow, because Dad is what we like to refer here at NBNF as 'a lazy bastard', so we didn't really get to clean up the garden or rake the leaves or, hell, have breakfast, because Dad woke up at 12:45 on a day when he was s'posed to pick up the Little Miss at 1:00. Suffice to say, there was a tiny bit of panic as Dad kinda showered and kinda got dressed and gulped down a cold Americano and rushed off and got halfway to Mom's place before realizing that he'd forgotten his wallet and phone and some other important stuff, so he came back home and let's just start this over, shall we?

So. 

1. Caffe Beano.

The majority of our time here was pretty much one big game of 'Gotcher Nose!' that Dad, Jess and Jeannie tried to play with Hazel (while Dad nursed a coffee and tried to wake up) which ended quite promptly when The Little Miss informed us that there was really no way that we could have removed her nose and hidden it in the drawer with all the coffee beans because it was glued to her face, which led Jeannie to shout out into a crowded coffee shop, "OHMIGOD HAZEL WHERE'S YOUR NOSE?", obviously in an attempt to convince her that we had actually removed her nose, but to no avail. It was kinda funny, though, because a lot of people turned and stared at us.

2. Phil's Diner.

While Dad was quite grateful for the chance to stop and scarf down some good ol' fashioned grease before getting on with our errands, let's just say that it probably wasn't the best idea to eat breakfast/brunch/lunch/late lunch/oh-christ-is-it-really-that-late-in-the-day? with a 4-year-old at a place where everyone's chair swivels.

Or maybe it was. Onwards!

3. Fair's Fair. 

Now, Dad would like to point out that he did, in fact, find a new China Mieville novel to read, (an uncorrected proof, at that, which really doesn't mean anything other than it ain't got no cover art or nuthin' but who cares cuz it's China fucking Mieville, right? Right.), but he'll also admit that the highlight of this stop was listening to an older lady inquire of the clerk as to what this whole 'Burning Man Festival' was, and then when hearing the explanation offered replied, "Oh, it's like that Jane Fonda movie, They Shoot Horses, Don't They?", and then proceeded to explain what the movie was about before leaving with her purchase, after which the clerk turned to her co-worker and asked, "Why was that lady talking about shooting whores?"

Then Hazel got to pick out her own books, and while Dad paid for them, she pointed out the huge oil paintings adorning the walls that featured characters from various fairy tales, and then proceeded to tell Dad a story featuring every one of characters, which was pretty much about a lion leaving the jungle and visiting a wizard and asking him to help the unicorn who was under the spell of a rainbow so that it couldn't marry the princess. But, y'know, with a lot more detail.

4. Once Upon A Child.

Let's just say that we managed to pick up some new pajamas for The Little Miss, and forget that fact that Dad nearly punched a lady who pushed Hazel out of her way in one of the aisles, and while Dad will admit that there's a possibility he might've overreacted, he's okay with letting everyone know that if you touch his child he will end you.

5. Co-op.

This is where we needed to take a bathroom break, although we could clearly hear someone in the next stall making noises, which led Hazel to ask Dad what those noises were, to which Dad replied that the person probably was trying to go poop, wherein Hazel responded loudly, "Wow, that must be the biggest poop in the world!"

6. And home.

And since it was so late in the day, Dad let Hazel watch Kung Fu Panda while he made dinner, and when he came in to say that it was ready, he watched as she attempted to somersault in the air from the couch to the chair but missed completely and landed in a heap on the floor, only to jump up immediately and announce that she was perfectly fine, and that she needed to try that jump so that she wouldn't be scared when it was bedtime and she was in her bedroom alone in the dark.

Yes, my child practices kung fu in order to combat nightmares. Holy Shit. Hazel is officially The Awesome.

Then we had dinner and listened to some music, and then Le Tigre came on and Hazel put down her fork and told Dad matter-of-factly that "we can't eat while we're dancing" and then ran away from the dinner table, and I think that's the best place to end this.

Walking With Hazel: EPIC.

So, yes, we had an epic weekend. 


Of course, we ALWAYS have epic weekends, so much so that we've decided not to use the term 'epic' anymore, and now we just make do with, "Oh, my weekend? yeah, it was okay..."


So but still: had a big long post ready, had copious notes on who and what and where and for exactly how much, notes on how we kidnapped Rob and forced him to work in our version of the salt mines (i.e. the wilderness that is our backyard) armed with only a weed-whacker and a glass of lemonade, how the Little Miss spent the entire time documenting our progress with her camera, only it's not a real camera, it's one of those pop-up ones where a little guy popped up when you hit the trigger/selector/BUTTON OF DOOM, but she was quite diligent with it regardless, and how we discovered that on Dad's camera (the real one) every picture that'd been taken over the last two months seemed to consist of Hazel in her pajamas while eating pancakes with strawberries, bananas, & whipped cream, and of course how Rob discovered we had a wasp's nest in our raspberry bushes by hitting it with the aforementioned weed-whacker, which meant that everyone became quite acquainted with the usage of witch hazel, except for Hazel herself, who at the time was still inside taking 'pictures' of the whole ordeal.


And that was only Saturday.


And then I scrapped it, because the only thing you really need to know is that it started out with Dad waking up, wondering where the Little Miss had gotten to, and that he eventually found her in the front yard, still in her pajamas but riding her unicorn (which is kind of a creepy toy because it's a unicorn HEAD on a STICK, and it's got a battery-powered whinny, and GOD THE NIGHTMARES, but anyway:), which caused Dad to ask: 


"Whatcha doin'?"


To which she replied:


"I DRANK THE MAGIC POTION SO NOW I CAN RIDE THE MAGIC UNICORN!"


And, honestly, if that isn't the set-up to an epic weekend, I don't know what else could be.




Speaking of epic: this is quite possibly the only song that truly deserves to be described as such:

Hi.

I think it was 2011 when I last posted. I'm not sure. THE INTERNET IS SO DIFFERENT NOW. Well, not really, but still: this kinda feels like breaking into an apartment you'd moved outta years ago in a building that'd since been condemned, just to see if something remains from THEN to maybe help shed light on the NOW.


Oh, Jesus, I just paralleled a Barenaked Ladies song. I deserve no internet forever.


Anyway: baby steps.


Stuff I Saw On The Bike Ride Home From Work While I Was Pistoning My Fat Legs & Trying To Keep My Belly Fat From Getting Caught In The Spokes:


1. A teenager in the driver's seat of a red corvette, wriggling out of a basketball jersey without bothering to remove his seatbelt.


2. A very tanned good-ol-boy, complete with mullet and handlebar moustache, at the wheel of a battered olive-coloured truck, blasting Ludacris on his stereo and rapping along word for word. He nearly hit me, but it's okay because he stopped just in time and was very sincere in his apology. I just kinda gasped for breath and kept pedalling, because somewhere, out there, is a version of me that doesn't get tired when he gets up from a chair.


3. A woman eating an entire McDonald's Chicken McNugget Meal in front of a church (the one that Mark once said was gonna be his vampire home) while waiting for the bus.


4. A window decal at Starbucks that said 'This Is My Now Frappuccino' which puzzled me because I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS HOW DID I GET SO OLD.


5. Ducks.


That is all. Your Tumblr account is basically you just saying that you've given up on memory, and now you have a place to keep all of your special things.


Your homework: list every possible type of apocalypse you can think of. Zombies don't count, of course.

Walking With Hazel: Let's Ignore How Long It's Been Since We've Posted One Of These, Okay?

First Dad woke up and coughed a lot, because he's got this stupid chest cold that just won't go away, and if he thought he felt like an old man before, well, just you wait until he sees how he feels after one of these coughing fits, the kind that take a full couple of minutes to get out and then leave you unable to see or hear for a few seconds. Yeah. That's right.


Anyway, we've established many times that Dad's a wimp. No big news there. Moving on.


So Dad dragged his lazy carcass outta bed and got all cleaned up and whatnot and headed to the indoor playground at Eau Claire, because that's where the Little Miss and Mom and some other people were waiting, and when Dad got there, Hazel proceeded to mete out the snacks (carrot sticks and grapes and chocolate covered almonds) because it was very important that SHE BE IN CONTROL OF THE SNACKS, and we must say that she was very fair about it, and everyone got enough snacks.


Then we played. First Mom showed Hazel how easy it was to climb up slides if you took your socks off, and then Hazel showed another little girl, who kinda got the hang of it but only took off one sock instead of both so she kinda had a hard time, even with the Little Miss encouraging her. Then Hazel found the window that she pretended was the ice cream shop, and then Dad bought $14.20 worth of chocolate chicken ice cream. Then Dad had to be locked underneath the playset, because he was a scary dinosaur ghost that made scary noises. Then Hazel was a princess that had to be locked in the tower, until another little girl came along and generously offered Hazel a key so that she could escape the tower. And then it was time to go, so we walked to Dad's car, making sure that we stepped on the proper cobblestones, because you had to step on the ones going up and down (NOT right to left) otherwise we'd be trapped. Then Hazel crossed a big snowbank all on her own and didn't even fall over once.


Next we went to Dad's work, where we had to use the bathroom, but we held our breath because it was stinky. Then we got a cookie and orange juice and played a game with Bruce where we pretended we'd all switched names, but then Dad and Bruce got confused and kept thinking that Bruce was Hazel and that Hazel was Dad and that Dad was Bruce, and then Hazel set us straight by yelling at us a lot. Then Hazel pretended she was a robot, so she had to say, "READY", all the time, and then Dad had to change her batteries.


Then we laughed at Christina for having to sweep outside. HA HA! But not really, because Christina is awesome, and plus she's not afraid to punch dad when she's angry.


Then we went grocery shopping, and after we got all of our stuff, we remembered to get purple flowers for the kitchen table, and then Garrett at Sunnyside Market gave the Little Miss two heart stickers. Two of 'em! Imagine that. Then Hazel decided that Mom needed some purple flowers, too, so we delivered some flowers to her house, and then we splashed in the puddles and Hazel commented that some of the melting ice on the sidewalk looked like rivers, and Dad agreed, and then we splashed some more.


Then we got in the car, and Hazel decided that she liked this song as her favourite for now, so we listened to it all the way home, which Dad didn't mind because it seriously fucking slays. Just don't tell Hazel that he swore, okay? Okay. 


Then we got home, and Hazel found a stick that she could use for long walks, but we left it by the back door, and only after Dad promised that the squirrels wouldn't eat it. Then Hazel decided that only pirates were allowed in the living room, so Dad just put the groceries away, and now he's making tea. Seriously. Tea. Not coffee, because coffee doesn't really help with coughs, and he'll be goddamned if he's gonna go through another weekend without kicking this goddamned cough. Jeez.