Elizabeth Sparkle & Mortimer

(this is the sound of me cracking my knuckles like you'd see in movies when the writer puts a new sheet of paper in the typewriter after leaving the thing gathering dust in the fucking corner for god knows how long because he's going through, y'know, stuuuuff, when really he just needs a good stiff drink and now one of you's actually saying, "Wait, how come this is on the internet if you're using a typewriter?" and GOD, you're ruining it...)

So, we're driving to get some groceries, and The Little Miss is strapped into her carseat like she's about to be launched into the stratosphere, and she's got this tiny little booklet in her hands, and although I can recognize it as the less-than-useless instruction manual for the shitty dustbuster we picked up about a month ago, I gamely ask, "Whatcha reading?"

To which she replies, "It's a TREASURE MAP."

Which means, holy shit, game ON, right? Right. So:

"So where's this treasure s'posed to be?"

"First, we have to go to Non-Messy Island." 

"Non-Messy Island? Why's it called that?"

"Because it's not messy at all; it's spotless!"

Okay, shoulda seen that coming, then: "And then we go to Dangerous Lagoon, which is filled with danger!"

"What kinda danger?"

"First, there's a BEAST, who also has a pet beast."

"Okay."

"Then we have to go past the Snake Guards, and after that we have to fight the Tiger Princesses, and Lion Knights, and there's also a lake with sharks in it, so we have to be careful."

"Anything else?" 

"There's also a Wolf Gentler."

"What's a Gentler?"

"He's the person who bangs the hammer down when the prisoners are taken to jail."

"So, he's like a judge?"

"No, he's a GENTLER."

"Okay."

"This place used to be called Licorice Lagoon, like in Candyland? But then the licorice started getting everyone stuck and then no one could leave and they all died. And then it became dangerous, so they called it Dangerous Lagoon. But we can eat our way through the licorice, and if we're nice to the Gingerbread People, they'll help us past the dangerous parts."

"And then we find the treasure?"

"No, then we have to fight the Pirate Ruler; her name is Captain Crook, because she stole the treasure from Rapunzel a long long time ago. So we fight Captain Crook. With swords!"

"Do we get hurt?"

"No, we WIN!"

"So we get the treasure?"

"NO; because she's hidden it on another island. Next we have to go to Rubba-Dubba Island."

"On a pirate ship?"

"No, in our car!"

"How do we get across the water?"

"IT'S A FLYING CAR!"

"Okay; then what?"

"Then we have to use a magic mirror to find it, we say, "MIRROR MIRROR ON THE WALL, WHERE'S THE TREASURE ON THE WALL?", and it shows us by shooting lightning all the way to the Cave of Water. But in the cave, we have to use the Necklace of Power. It's a necklace that sticks to metal and can make money and gold pour out of your hands and it can help you turn on taps and it can also change the seasons for you; also it can do dangerous things."

"Like what?"

"I dunno."

"Okay; then we get the treasure?"

"Yes! It's a Golden Purse, and inside are three things: a wand, a crown, and a magic rope. But these are only things for me. But they're magic, and they can help us find more treasure, so we can find something for you!"

"That sounds fair."

"Also we have different names in this; what do you want your name to be?"

"Can I be Mortimer?"

"Sure! And my name will be ELIZABETH SPARKLE!"

Dude, she is drawing pictures of this as we speak, I shit you not. We are making a BOOK. Be warned.