And A Traffic Cop Let Some Strangers Get Away.

So, um, yeah. Shit. Has. Happened.

If you're a close friend and I've neglected to fill you in on the details, drop me a line and I'll give you the scoop. Otherwise, I'm gonna try and keep that shit outta here, because no one likes a whiner, especially on the internet, unless, of course, he's shoving a remote control up his ass, in which case, pass the popcorn, please.

Don't get me wrong: this is still gonna be a place of great bitterness and spite, but it'll be reserved for those things which truly deserve my bile, such as never-ending oil spills, the continued existence of Juggalos, and people who are just AGOG over double rainbows.

Also: you might have to put off with descriptions of the many awesome things my daughter is capable of, to which I say: SUCK IT. The HILJ is possibly the greatest force in the universe, and she's MINE, so I get to brag about her.

(Of course when I say 'MINE', I mean she also belongs to her mother, although I doubt her mother has any problem with me crowing about my daughter's fascination with licking her own reflection in the mirror, so there.)

So, yeah. There. A few things:

1. I've recently switched back from a Mac to a PC, and while normally the transfer wouldn't bother me that much, the PC in question is a wheezing piece of antique furniture that coughs up blood and lung tissue every time I use a search engine, so this Grumpy Old Man is in the market for a new Series Of Connected Tubes Provider; preferably cheap, but one that works, and yes, I finally get that Macs are better, as they tend not to use the energetic equivalent of a bender in Vegas simply to turn on, so, yes, I'm looking for a Mac.

So: a Mac that works, and is relatively cheap. If you were TRULY my minions, I wouldn't have to ask, but there ya go: you just can't find good help these days.

(Y'know what's awesome, though, Mac users? Right. Fucking. Click.)

2. My iTouch seems to have simply extinguished, as well. When I try and use it, it just whimpers and crawls into the damp space underneath my fridge. So, same as above: someone find me an iPod that can carry more than three songs on it without freezing, and I'll reward them with, well, something truly amazing. Like, yknow, gin.

3. Remember The Straw? Remember how we put a call out for submissions for our very first zine about a month ago? Remember how I said it could be anything you want, as long as it fit on a 8&1/2 x 11 page, so it's quite possibly the most relaxed set of publishing guidelines ever? Huh?
Deadline's coming up. July 15, 2010. C'mon, people; I know there are at least a few of you out there who can put a pen to paper without causing your brain to burst into tears, so let's get on it, 'kay? Thanks.

4. Lastly: if you see a cop today, give 'em a hug, and I mean that. Chances are, he or she's had a bad day.

That is all for now, except: this is the best song in the world right now, and if you disagree, I will kidnap your dog and eat it for dinner, and if you don't have a dog, I will do it to your child.