Hi, can I talk to you about our Lord's Plan for you in Heaven for a few hours?

So it's 4:oo pm and I'm making a travesty of a drink known as a half-caf quarter-sweet vanilla almond milk latte with no foam for some fake-tan mall princess (because no one drinks actual coffee any more), when I look out the window towards the grassy knoll across the street where everyone goes to smoke and see a man depositing an honest-to-goodness couch onto the knoll, where he then sits and begins to smoke a joint very obviously and with many hand gestures to no one in particular; and just as Geoff and Jeff and Shanley and I are trying to figure out whether it's some sort of performative art exhibit or just a guy who wants a bit of nature in his living room, he then stands up, gathers all of the tree stumps that Geoff Hunter brought for all of the tired and huddled smokers to sit on when they're partaking of their habit, stacks them up into a big tower and then delivers the lamest jump-kick I've ever seen this side of Chuck Norris (who really doesn't deserve all the attention y'all've been heaping upon his retard-executing shoulders so y'all should just stop already), barely knocking his ersatz tree to the ground.

Before we can recover from witnessing this, however, he runs to his truck, picks up a football and proceeds to throw a rather limp pass directly towards the couch, where it bounces up into the air, forcing him to dive and catch his own fumble.

Then: he puts the football back in his truck, and spends the next ten minutes trying to get the couch back into the bed of his vehicle, at which point Geoff went out and just held his door open for him.

I have no explanation. I just felt that this scene needed to be shared. And that's my way of saying hey it's good to be back on the internet saying nothing at all.

What's new? Um. Well. Nothing, really. Still married to the classiest dame ever. Still raising the most awesome demon-child around. Still slinging caffeine for a living, only now I don't get paid for holidays, but I do get to yell at customers and co-workers alike as often as I please, so it evens out. Still writing about ice ages and radioactive insects and the many ways we allow other people to do our thinking for us - it's coming slowly, mind you, but at least it's coming.

That's about it. This is just me checking in, and oh wait hey here's some new music y'all should be listening to:

1. I would totally marry Ida Maria but only if my wife said it was okay. As it stands, I'm okay with just listening to her tell me how she likes me better when I'm naked.

2. Hey, look, Danger Mouse is doing yet another project, this time with Shins frontman James Mercer. Broken Bells certainly sounds a lot like the Shins, but with a little more atmosphere, and a little less reedy hipsterism. It's not jaw-dropping amazing, but it'll do until DM puts out his next hip-hop masterpiece with Jemini later on this year, and then you'll all be like, holy crap chris I totally understand why you like this guy now.

3. Big Business, Mind The Drift: meaty meaty meaty goodness.

4. Speaking of big and beefy: I got a chance to hear some early stuff from Bloated Bastards and it's truly remarkable and evil and good at the same time. It's Garrett and Dean from Summerlad, and it sounds like someone following you home on a dark night and punching you in the back of the head once and then leaving you alone wondering what the hell just happened.

I mean that in a good way. They used to have a Myspace thing going, but I can't seem to find it, so just have a little patience and then before long everyone'll be saying, "BB? Oh, yeah, I was into them for decades. I like their earlier stuff better, though, before they sold out..."

Update: Dean was nice enough to send me the link. Go and listen and eat a drumstick while you're at it.

5. If you're not listening to HEALTH yet, then I just don't know what to do with you.

Now I must go write about perverted cab drivers and the things they do in while waiting for fares. It's not pretty, but then neither am I, and I still made out okay.